young, restless

2013 2013 2013 2013!!!

HAPPY NEW YEARR :)

My resolution is to be better to myself, and better to others. 

“Enjoy who you are. Don’t hate yourself for what you aren’t.” :)

I’M SO EXCITED for 2013!! internship and a summer away from home, and then studying abroad! that’s alll. peace.

a storm is coming

I can’t remember the last time I couldn’t sleep like I did last night. Waking up with itchy, burning eyes, and the same dread in my stomach only proved that things are shifting. It seems yet again, the time has come for me to let go and lose my best friend.

Maybe it’s me. I think it is, why else would this always happen? Somehow the people I love most always chose to be selfish, leaving me in the lurch of their actions. I wish I could just shut down and not care. Leave them behind and be happy and carefree. But I can’t- I try, and when I do I just feel sick. It is so far from who I am that I repel it from every part of my body. Why be happy when they are hurting? For me, it’s always us, not just me in my closest relationships. I see clearly how interconnected we all are, how much we lift and hurt each other. Can you not see that? Or is that in my head too? If I can turn around a stranger’s day with a smile, or be in my Grandfather’s thoughts when he is miles away, why wouldn’t I be connected with those I spent every day with during the semester? And how can they not be connected to me?

I wish I could escape from my mind. I have made and taken back so many life changing decisions in my head today. Even last night, my subconcious tried to show me a preview of what life will be like if I push you away. It sucked, but every storm that has come, leaving me broken and shattered, has given me something better in the end. I took the steps I needed to pull away from those who hurt me in middle school, then it happened naturally in high school, and hurt again in College. Now it needs to happen again. This one is the scariest thus far, and it is my fault. I should’ve known it was too good to be true, but I went against all my instincts and let myself be vulnerable. So here I am left in the dust. All those who are so important to me, who I walk on eggshells for, who I care about and who consume my mind, I am merely an occasional joy, an inconvenience, not even a second thought to them. 

So here I am, sitting here chiding myself with a million “I told you so’s” and terrified with what is to come. If only I could leave right now and just escape somewhere and start anew. I would be smarter.

Because sometimes the best way to learn to swim is to be pushed off the deep end without a helping hand in sight.

Three Years of College Wiser

To continue tradition…

Things I’ve learned after three years-

1. I have changed. 
2. I am old- and all those things that seemed so far away are suddenly daringly close.
3. Hard work does pay off :)
4. I’m still lazy.
5. I am utterly blessed.
6. I am self absorbed.
7. Life is worth the risks. But it’s worth being safe, too.
8. If you get a chance to let go of those who make you unhappy, do it. You will never regret it.
9. If I could make some mistakes over, I would still make them.
10. I have made an impression on some people of which I am very proud.   

I wish I could be her every day of my life.

thestylescribe:

Gotta love a cropped poncho… and turquoise leather… and tassel earrings. While the turquoise pieces may only be appropriate for summer, I plan on taking the poncho all the way through winter. Perfect over a dress/skirt or with pants and a long tank. 

THE OUTFIT

Poncho: Sabo Skirt, Skirt: Alice + Olivia, Bag: J.Crew, Shoes: Jimmy Choo, Earrings: Oscar de la Renta, Sunglasses: Lemisse, Bracelets: Dannijo and Janis Savitt (similar here)

{photography by Natalie Cortes}

How reliable are gut feelings? I wonder if we are supposed to follow that constant inclination that evaluates our, I guess, image in someone’s eyes, or the loss of love, or a new annoyance, or are we supposed to write it off as over thinking or over dramatic? I feel you hate me, or rather, you feel nothing towards me and it bothers me so much. I remember finding the right words of how I felt about T’s eccentric best friend- and they were that I felt nothing towards her. She fascinated me with her crazy life and actions, and though sometimes she could be evil and sometimes kind beyond measure, I was only a far away spectator to her life. Like we feel towards the war, I was removed from her and literally felt neither like or dislike (and we have to admit we don’t think about the war like, ever. Or at least I don’t. And I’m ashamed of it, but it’s true). And those words sounded so dark and awful to me, not to matter at all to some one else?? That is just..terrible!

And we used to be so close.. I would hate for you to feel nothing or dislike me. I don’t think I did anything but you can definitely be overemotional, but then again who isn’t? Idk if it bothers me more because of my need to be liked than actually losing you as a friend. But it was always nice to have you there. Hmm.

there are elephants on my pajamas

Clad in royal wear, steadfast, they have one place to stand and they stand still. The pattern repeats and alternates between green and blue elephant clones, the colors of calm and envy.

and I envy their calm.

They don’t feel anger or jealousy, which I have found are my sworn enemies. I hate myself when I succumb to these lowest of low emotions. Why give them the light of day when there is empathy and simply being happy? In my faith, even a smile is charity.

This Ramadan brings struggle but excitement too. I want to work on myself to be my best self every day. 

I will be steadfast in my mission to better myself as a person, to be kind, to give often, to love wholeheartedly and to defeat anger and jealousy. To find myself in my place, content as the Royally clad elephants.